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Friday, February 22, 2008*

well um. quite alot of ranting to do today. decided to do it all at once to get em out of my system.

i do realise that the main reason for wanting to do well.. well, er, is for the sake of credentials. i mean in order to make a difference, one should first establish himself and his credibility right?and to help others you have to have the means to do so.. which requires my working hard so yea... (but i keep slacking anyway D:< dang.)

well apparently it is true that at one point in their lives, some teens tend to feel a little something for uh, the same gender. its like a phase, where you still like the opposite gender, and yet uh.. you look at some people of your gender differently from the others. i think its normal.. i hope. right? gah...

which leads me to another rant. don't you hate it when you wish you could do something or had
something, but knowing you can't (mostly cos society will mark you? no refference to previous paragraph) ? damn wishful thinking. it always hurts.

about contributing my life to giving (if its even possible in future. my ambition!). well lets say if i want to make use of my life to help others, well i will have to give up quite a number of things i would get in a normal life:

a comfortable living environment - well i do not think i can make much impact in Singapore, which means travel, which means being away from home, which means discomfort! not really a problem though.
income - if i devote my time to this, where do i get money for support? (and basic needs)
a love/social life - well of course since if i do this, theres no way i'm gonna settle down for long. i will be moving around alot, which means not much interaction with others, unless they are likeminded and willing to travel with me. also cos if i choose to get involved in a relationship and (possibly) start a family, yea well that will screw everything up won't it

well yea.

FEAR.
yes fear. is it bad or good? i don't know takes up a lot of space in our minds better spent on other things IMO, but sometimes it's what keeps us going. some people live life to be happy, others do it cos they fear death, or for example stay happy cos they fear the darkness in depression. people usually feel fear due to the their fear of the unknown. spirits, and deep waters are very common, as no one actually knows for sure what lurks withing those realms. the lack of knowledge in that sense makes us insecure and uneasy, possibly leading to the feeling of fear.
another kind of fear is derived from insecurities. such examples are like the fear of public speaking etc., where most people fear screwing up in front of a crowd.i myself suffer from this. but think about it this way. when you watch a speaker screw up, how long does it stay in your mind? (if he's not someone overly famous/important, like mr lee hsien loong and his humps) people do not really pay too much mind, but our mind blows it up, and ionno.. we are still scared i guess. not sure about that part.
however, i feel the worst kind of fear is the kind derived my guilt, not only in terms of the feeling, but because of the fact the this fear has to derive from you knowing/thinking you did something wrong. for example you don't do your assignment, and you realise its that subject's class next, and the teacher is a man-eating lion. well yea. good luck.

existence.
how do we know we exist? what determines our identity? can we just base our existence on the fact that our birth was documented?
well read a story some time ago. on 10th june 2004, a man was found dead in his pyjamas. he died in his bedroom. sounds normal eh?

well his body was nothing but a skeleton. next to him was a newspaper dated 20th feb 1984. the calender on the table nearby marked the same date.

he had been there for 20 years.

no one noticed his abscence.

this made me think about the man, and his utter and complete isolation from the world, such that for 20 long years, no one in the whole world had noticed he had simply vanished without a trace. in this i can only conclude that the only thing worse than hunger or thirst, worse than being unemployed, unhappy in love or defeated and in despair, is feeling/knowing that no one, absolutely know one, cares about us.

i should really treasure the love we have bestowed upon us, and give a silent prayer for that man who has shown me the importance of friendship.

(taken from "like the flowing river" by paul coelho)

-monochromatic-4:05 AM