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-Entries'-

Monday, February 25, 2008*

well after reading rach's post on best friends at http://withenoughsoap.blogspot.com/, (go read its worth it) i realised that i don't really have such a person in my life. maybe its just cos i have trust issues.. or that i have certain secrets/worries that i can never voice to someone who i know in school or my age.. yea so if i've been rather cranky and doubtful of you lately, sorry >.<.

yea so the best friend thing is technically my fault but.. yea i'm not very sure what to do.

-monochromatic-3:31 AM

hmm.. recently ive realised, erm, well more like come to terms with the reason for my angst. well i am not afraid to say that yes, its cos i've fallen for someone (for some time actually, which makes it worse). well thats natural isn't it. most people our age would have fallen for a or maybe more people of the opposite gender. well.

well of course like most sensible people (no offense to anyone out there), i feel that thinking about these things at this point in time in our lives is merely a distraction, but even though i try not to think about it, sometimes it just somehow forces its way into my head.. its natural right?

which brings back to the earlier posted thingy on wishful thinking.. what hurts the most is that we can never be, and even though i try not to think about her, i still do. (think its a phase..
hope to get through it soon.)

(i'm doing this as a ditched attempt to let it out so... :s )

-monochromatic-3:21 AM

Sunday, February 24, 2008*

well recently this year whenever i feel down i take a stroll to the beach to just think for awhile.
then i picked up sandrawing, which is actually quite fun, and allows me to kind of temporarily express myself. too lazy to upload all now (all kinda suck cos theyr so big that the angle which i have to take the photo makes em look squashed)... i drew todays' thingys with my brolly >:D

-monochromatic-7:44 AM

Saturday, February 23, 2008*

my mom is awesome.
seriously.
stop sniggering you ri guys out there, i am aware that many of you think of her as the boring nag who shouts at you in the library and puts you to sleep during those long re lectures, and if you choose to detest her based on that or pity me for being her son, go on lol. see if we care.
i know my mother often feels unappreciated for all that she does for her sons (my bro and me). truth is, we (well i) do take not of this. just today, we she drove me out to popular in tampines just to let me select some assessment books despite her busy schedule, and i really appreciated it. really. she just thinks we don't, and well sometimes we just forget to remind her that we do. (meaning saying thanks).
though she may not seem to care much for my personal interest, but rather keeps bugging me about my academic results, i know this is because she worries more for my future than my present well being. i know how much she blames herself whenever i return with poor results, or whenever i falter.
all this time, she has been a main reason and influence in my passion and concern (don't laugh if you haven't seen this side of me) for the earth we live in, as well as its occupants (meaning us and other animals), and has often shown me the reality i have to face in real life (lol). she had always seen the kindness (seriously.don't laugh) in me, and tried to bring it out as much as possible. this has helped set my ambition to (for the present) study hard, and (for the future) establish myself and have (prefably) a high income, so as to not only provide for myself and my family, but also in order to give back to the community. as she said, "when you are young, you can aspire to do many great things. you may want to go out and help the world, the people. but if you can't get the means to even sustain yourself, how will you help others?"

so um.. even though its still a long way to mother's day, thanks mom, for all the years and sacrifices you have given, and more making my life much more meaningful.
who cares how others see you (or me, after this >.<)? i shall say something i haven't said in a long time, something often taken for granted: i love you mom. (so stop worrying that we will grow up and leave the coop and abandon you, cos that is so not going to happen. >:D)

did that make sense?

oh and i realise i meant to post this for quite sometime: behold! the little ri boy. lul. (yes that's a calculator)

-monochromatic-9:59 PM

Friday, February 22, 2008*

well um. quite alot of ranting to do today. decided to do it all at once to get em out of my system.

i do realise that the main reason for wanting to do well.. well, er, is for the sake of credentials. i mean in order to make a difference, one should first establish himself and his credibility right?and to help others you have to have the means to do so.. which requires my working hard so yea... (but i keep slacking anyway D:< dang.)

well apparently it is true that at one point in their lives, some teens tend to feel a little something for uh, the same gender. its like a phase, where you still like the opposite gender, and yet uh.. you look at some people of your gender differently from the others. i think its normal.. i hope. right? gah...

which leads me to another rant. don't you hate it when you wish you could do something or had
something, but knowing you can't (mostly cos society will mark you? no refference to previous paragraph) ? damn wishful thinking. it always hurts.

about contributing my life to giving (if its even possible in future. my ambition!). well lets say if i want to make use of my life to help others, well i will have to give up quite a number of things i would get in a normal life:

a comfortable living environment - well i do not think i can make much impact in Singapore, which means travel, which means being away from home, which means discomfort! not really a problem though.
income - if i devote my time to this, where do i get money for support? (and basic needs)
a love/social life - well of course since if i do this, theres no way i'm gonna settle down for long. i will be moving around alot, which means not much interaction with others, unless they are likeminded and willing to travel with me. also cos if i choose to get involved in a relationship and (possibly) start a family, yea well that will screw everything up won't it

well yea.

FEAR.
yes fear. is it bad or good? i don't know takes up a lot of space in our minds better spent on other things IMO, but sometimes it's what keeps us going. some people live life to be happy, others do it cos they fear death, or for example stay happy cos they fear the darkness in depression. people usually feel fear due to the their fear of the unknown. spirits, and deep waters are very common, as no one actually knows for sure what lurks withing those realms. the lack of knowledge in that sense makes us insecure and uneasy, possibly leading to the feeling of fear.
another kind of fear is derived from insecurities. such examples are like the fear of public speaking etc., where most people fear screwing up in front of a crowd.i myself suffer from this. but think about it this way. when you watch a speaker screw up, how long does it stay in your mind? (if he's not someone overly famous/important, like mr lee hsien loong and his humps) people do not really pay too much mind, but our mind blows it up, and ionno.. we are still scared i guess. not sure about that part.
however, i feel the worst kind of fear is the kind derived my guilt, not only in terms of the feeling, but because of the fact the this fear has to derive from you knowing/thinking you did something wrong. for example you don't do your assignment, and you realise its that subject's class next, and the teacher is a man-eating lion. well yea. good luck.

existence.
how do we know we exist? what determines our identity? can we just base our existence on the fact that our birth was documented?
well read a story some time ago. on 10th june 2004, a man was found dead in his pyjamas. he died in his bedroom. sounds normal eh?

well his body was nothing but a skeleton. next to him was a newspaper dated 20th feb 1984. the calender on the table nearby marked the same date.

he had been there for 20 years.

no one noticed his abscence.

this made me think about the man, and his utter and complete isolation from the world, such that for 20 long years, no one in the whole world had noticed he had simply vanished without a trace. in this i can only conclude that the only thing worse than hunger or thirst, worse than being unemployed, unhappy in love or defeated and in despair, is feeling/knowing that no one, absolutely know one, cares about us.

i should really treasure the love we have bestowed upon us, and give a silent prayer for that man who has shown me the importance of friendship.

(taken from "like the flowing river" by paul coelho)

-monochromatic-4:05 AM

Thursday, February 21, 2008*

well i was talking to pizzat about the whole life and happiness thing
unfortunately his outlook was rather bleak. heres his reasoning:

there really isn't any point in anything we do in life. so why do it? even if we are able to help a person or a group of people, so what? so what if we make their lives better? they DIE anyway, and so do we.

well um. he acknowledges he thinks too much and too often for his own good. but really, we are given this one chance at life. do we make full use of it, to give back to society and to make use of what God has given us and to glorify Him, or do we just keep thinking about how pointless it will be. even though their lives are not forever, they only have one chance at it and its worth making it better. quoting from somewhere (not sure where): you only have one life. this is not a dress rehearsal; this is show-time.

moving on, i'm feeling hungry. damn i feel like ranting. should i eat bread, or something sinful like instant noodles? honestly to me, since we only have one life, why should we miss out on one of the best enjoyments our body can offer us (lol not sex O.o), our sense of taste? i feel we should be able to satisfy and er.. make our tastebuds happy :D. i mean its good to eat healthy, but at most it'll prolong
your life, and at what cost? we will miss out on great food (since most of em are oh so sinful). and
if we spend our lives abstaining from these food and fall ill anyway, well.. good job.

well im not sure.. so even though its good to eat certain food in moderation, i say why diet? we should be able to eat what we want!

damn i'm not sure if any of that made sense, but i'm going down to eat noodles. toodles.

-monochromatic-4:16 AM

Monday, February 18, 2008*

well did this for CLE, derived from a convo i had with a friend

To me, most people live in pursuit of happiness. But we study so hard, enduring stress, what we get in the end may be a good job with a high income, but the stress doesn’t disappear. What we get to enjoy is the retirement period (short as it may be) after a life of stress? Where does our happiness come in then???
‘Material happiness’, or happiness gained through material means (e.g. money) is just a temporary distraction from reality and the stress derived from it. We ‘happiness’ we feel is actually the uplifting effect when we forget about the stresses of life at that particular moment.
True happiness, I feel, is gained through giving. The warmth and knowledge that you’ve made a difference in someone’s life is the ultimate ‘high’ one can feel. It has been said that (in heroes LOL) no one can live a life of happiness and meaning at the same time. In order to live a life of happiness, one must abandon the past and forget the concerns for the future, whereas those who choose to live a life of meaning are cursed to live in the former and obsess about the latter. Though it is true that to live a life of meaning we have to face reality in the face all the time, the fact that you have made the world a better place to be in to someone else should be enough.

-monochromatic-6:29 AM

Monday, February 11, 2008*

long time no see
koped from rohan

Get to know yourself better

Your view on yourself:
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education
You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:
You like privacy very much because you enjoy spending time with your own thoughts. You like to disappear when you cannot find solutions to your own problems, but you would feel better if you learned to share your thoughts with a person you trust.

-monochromatic-5:58 AM